Dear readers, I will have to say sorry that I will not be able to write my stories on a daily basis. However I will try my best. This is due to a sudden complicated matter that arose this morning. Have to solve it first before I continue on.
So Im gonna have my KIT kat Now...why, you ask:
" Have a break, Have a Kit Kit!"
Lolz...Xp take carez!!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
Still STRAIGHT?...
Friday, Not that cold...
Everything looks normal.....Just that you are gone....
Can't believe I've written a reasonable amount of posts since I've started this blog. Please be proud of me. Lolz. Jk. Anyway Hope I can go on and keep it as a habit. :D
So previously....( Lolz.., I've made my blog sounds like some television drama or soap opera, Need to give a recap before proceeding with new episode. haha.) I've reached the point of my life where I learned the term "GAY" and was starting to be confused about it, really really confused. However, though I'm confused, I did not give much thought about it, I was still young. I thought I may be gay that time as I knew I did naughty stuffs with a guy and not a girl. I did not know the term gay refers to emotionally and physically attracted to the same sex.
When I was young(from year 6 onwards, I had a lot of puppy love with girls, never with guys. I was emotionally attracted to girls. This is gonna be really funny guys....I will tell you about my first crush. She was a girl whom I knew since my childhood, quite a long time I think. We played a lot with each other, so that's how I had a crush on her. Lolz. Whenever she's with me, when she complimented me, I was all joyous. However, here's come the interesting part....She was kinda tomboyish. She became almost a man as time went on. Never seen her wear skirts nor do girlie stuffs. Guess what....At present, she's a lesbian. Hahaha. How funny..:P Especially, he/she is a leng zai (handsome/cute) lesbian.^^ So now, I was thinking,may be when I was young at that time I did not realise I started to liked guys unintentionally, since my first crush is considered half guy also...Lolz..So its really a confusing, complicated, sophisticated bond/relationship. Seriously, I knew what I want to say inside of me, But but....Its really hard to put into words....Hope readers would catch what I intended to point out here..
During my school years, in general, guys would play basketball, play rough games and stuffs. For me, I played tag, chasing around, and played skipping ropes with the gals. At that time, the girls did not care whether its a girl or guy game, we just want to have fun. Now, when I think of it..."shit~~~even when I was young, I did girlie stuffs, may be that is how I slowly turn into......." Haha
So yea, my first crush and we were separated into different class and we did not see each other that much after that. So, slowly...I did not feel anything for her anymore......In a way, I think she’s way manlier than I am. Lolz. And there…. she went in search of her princess….
Come back for more~
Thursday, January 8, 2009
As time went on...
Thursday afternoon, Cloudy and chilly,
I want to forget, but the memories with you...are tattooed inside my heart...so how?
This post will still be about how an innocent child evolved into such a beast. Lolz. As I mentioned in the previous post, I had this special "Best Friend" of mine whom I had intimate sessions with.
And unfortunately, One day when he came to my place as usual....I was still sleeping and half awake. He came to my bed and we "started"...It was good at first....The door opened. My mum was dazzled by the spectacular scene of me lying on the bottom while he was on top of me~... We were shocked to death and was brought down to earth. Though i think our dicks were still solid after the caught in the act. Lolz. My mum shouted:"What are you doing?!!!!" My best friend dumped me and ran away, not sure where he went to after that. However, it was judgement time for me.
*WhippppPPP..Splashhhh*
"ahhh.....!!! *sniff* *sob*..."
My mum explained what we were doing to my dad, and he took a cane stick and whipped me real hard. I was crying, I knew I did something that I should not have done at first.
"Don't ever do that again! Its not right!" My dad roared. My mum was just standing behind my dad. I vaguely remember, but i saw a tint of disappointment and wariness from the look of my mum. I was still getting whipped and the pain and tears went on and on.....Until he asked me to promise that I will not do it again....
I was burning with pain. The scars sank deep into my skin...My parents left the room.....I was there alone, crouching and hugging my knees, crying silently and remorsefully....
I was still a kid back then. I knew it was wrong; I did it because it felt good. I still had no idea about sex at that time...I did not meet my best friend for a long time after that incident. From that day onwards, I tried not to think about it as I really feel shameful for my wrongdoings. My parents start to develop their suspicion against me. Preventing me from staying alone and also meeting "him".
Of course, I am still a horny little boy. ^^. To satisfy my desire, without a partner, I caressed my dick against my bed. It felt good too. I did not have a single clue that It was masturbation. I've been doing that for more than 3 years I think. Being born into a completely heterosexual society, I thought I was the odd one out when i was between 9 -12 years old. "God, why am I like this? I don't think anybody will be doing the things that I've done. May be I'm the only one in this world who is this weird..." That's my thought as a young boy.
My parents worked hard during the eighties and nineties; finally they became wealthier when they commenced a business company. I lived well and had a lot of people taking care of me. My housekeeper, maids and drivers were very nice to me. My parents were busy taking care of the company; while I just stayed at home playing games and did my homework. I've mentioned that I'm the only child in my family, with no siblings at all. It was kinda lonely sometime, if I think back. I was alone most of the time.
Friends, relatives and teachers always say to me the same thing: "Only child, then you must be very happy, no one to fight with you, no one will argue with you, no one will steal your toys away..." May be as a child, i'm happy with that fact. However, now when I looked back, How i wished there's someone for me to argue with...~
When i was in Year 5, i've learnt the terms "gay" and "lesbian. At that time, I was thinking.." So, am I considered gay then? Since I did something with a guy when i was young.." Nevertheless, I did not put much thinking into this question until later in time...
To be continued...
I want to forget, but the memories with you...are tattooed inside my heart...so how?
This post will still be about how an innocent child evolved into such a beast. Lolz. As I mentioned in the previous post, I had this special "Best Friend" of mine whom I had intimate sessions with.
And unfortunately, One day when he came to my place as usual....I was still sleeping and half awake. He came to my bed and we "started"...It was good at first....The door opened. My mum was dazzled by the spectacular scene of me lying on the bottom while he was on top of me~... We were shocked to death and was brought down to earth. Though i think our dicks were still solid after the caught in the act. Lolz. My mum shouted:"What are you doing?!!!!" My best friend dumped me and ran away, not sure where he went to after that. However, it was judgement time for me.
*WhippppPPP..Splashhhh*
"ahhh.....!!! *sniff* *sob*..."
My mum explained what we were doing to my dad, and he took a cane stick and whipped me real hard. I was crying, I knew I did something that I should not have done at first.
"Don't ever do that again! Its not right!" My dad roared. My mum was just standing behind my dad. I vaguely remember, but i saw a tint of disappointment and wariness from the look of my mum. I was still getting whipped and the pain and tears went on and on.....Until he asked me to promise that I will not do it again....
I was burning with pain. The scars sank deep into my skin...My parents left the room.....I was there alone, crouching and hugging my knees, crying silently and remorsefully....
I was still a kid back then. I knew it was wrong; I did it because it felt good. I still had no idea about sex at that time...I did not meet my best friend for a long time after that incident. From that day onwards, I tried not to think about it as I really feel shameful for my wrongdoings. My parents start to develop their suspicion against me. Preventing me from staying alone and also meeting "him".
Of course, I am still a horny little boy. ^^. To satisfy my desire, without a partner, I caressed my dick against my bed. It felt good too. I did not have a single clue that It was masturbation. I've been doing that for more than 3 years I think. Being born into a completely heterosexual society, I thought I was the odd one out when i was between 9 -12 years old. "God, why am I like this? I don't think anybody will be doing the things that I've done. May be I'm the only one in this world who is this weird..." That's my thought as a young boy.
My parents worked hard during the eighties and nineties; finally they became wealthier when they commenced a business company. I lived well and had a lot of people taking care of me. My housekeeper, maids and drivers were very nice to me. My parents were busy taking care of the company; while I just stayed at home playing games and did my homework. I've mentioned that I'm the only child in my family, with no siblings at all. It was kinda lonely sometime, if I think back. I was alone most of the time.
Friends, relatives and teachers always say to me the same thing: "Only child, then you must be very happy, no one to fight with you, no one will argue with you, no one will steal your toys away..." May be as a child, i'm happy with that fact. However, now when I looked back, How i wished there's someone for me to argue with...~
When i was in Year 5, i've learnt the terms "gay" and "lesbian. At that time, I was thinking.." So, am I considered gay then? Since I did something with a guy when i was young.." Nevertheless, I did not put much thinking into this question until later in time...
To be continued...
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
As a child.....
Thursday, Cold and snowy~.....
How much I want to share the beauty of the dazzling white snow with you....Do i still have a chance...?
The onward stuffs you are about to read is written based on my memories...It had been too long..too blur....too vague...
As I am growing, slowly evolving from an adolescent to a normal kid who slowly develops his ability to perform logical assumptions and analysis in accordance to his environment/society. It is a society where homosexuality is unacceptable and considered as a deceitful act. I was raised in this particular society by my straight parents. So where are the factors that led me into slowly realising that my sexual orientation diverted to the same sex? Or it was all natural by birth?
As a Kid, I had great friends around me. We played and fooled around almost everyday. We were just a street apart from one another. After school, holidays, free time, we would gather together to do a lot of crazy things. We would masquerade ourselves as Power Rangers. It was a hot thing for kids at that time. Among my childhood friends, there is this best friend i had. We were the closest to each other. We were around 9 to 11 years old at that time. I did not remember well.
I just get to the point....We had sex with each other...
Again, I did not know how it happened too. I did not remember the first time i had it with him. It was so vague and cloudy. I really want to search for the truth too...but it is a mission impossible..unless I can travel through time.
May be its curiosity after all....Just like the teddy bear incident I've mentioned in my previous blog, I was at the bottom; he was on top of me. We got hard and just caressing our dicks. We felt good. We caressed to the point when we reached our orgasm point. You might think...a kid who has no knowledge of any sexual activities knows how to orgasm? You are right. I did not know what is an orgasm at that point of my life. I just felt good at that 'point'. Nothing came out of course, I have not reach puberty stage yet. ^.^
With the discovery that we felt so good by caressing our dicks, we did more when we had the chance back then. We both knew it was something wrong, was something that could not be discovered by anybody. We only had our sessions when we are alone. We just lie on top of each other and caressed our dicks together. We did not know about blow jobs and stuffs. As time went by, we got used to it. However, we just do 'IT' occasionally, not frequently. Lolz.
After a period of time, my "Best Friend" told me he watched the porn that his parents had. He wanna show me something too...Guess what..the next thing he did was sucking my cock. I can't really recped Iall how the feelings were. But yea....I reciprocated to him too, because he wanted to know how it feels too. I can't describe in details, I bet you all wanna know. Lolz. But sorry guys, I really can't fully recall that incident.
Another thing he told me about the porn he secretly watched was that, a guy put his dick into the girl's ass. I was shocked and puzzled at that time. I did not believe a single thing he said. "You must have seen it wrongly...Its impossible."I said. As a kid, i only know that the function of our ass and asshole is to ****~...LOlz...Its getting really dirty eh... Of course, he thought he saw it wrongly too or it was something that is beyond his current logic. We did not try out, of course in the end. If not..it'll be really crazy....
I'm not sure whether you guys will be disgusted after reading this post, or felt relieved that you are not the only one. I really think this naughty childhood behaviour of mine is really inappropriate. However, due to my innocence and may be a little horniness, these incidents happened to me.....
More to come....~
How much I want to share the beauty of the dazzling white snow with you....Do i still have a chance...?
The onward stuffs you are about to read is written based on my memories...It had been too long..too blur....too vague...
As I am growing, slowly evolving from an adolescent to a normal kid who slowly develops his ability to perform logical assumptions and analysis in accordance to his environment/society. It is a society where homosexuality is unacceptable and considered as a deceitful act. I was raised in this particular society by my straight parents. So where are the factors that led me into slowly realising that my sexual orientation diverted to the same sex? Or it was all natural by birth?
As a Kid, I had great friends around me. We played and fooled around almost everyday. We were just a street apart from one another. After school, holidays, free time, we would gather together to do a lot of crazy things. We would masquerade ourselves as Power Rangers. It was a hot thing for kids at that time. Among my childhood friends, there is this best friend i had. We were the closest to each other. We were around 9 to 11 years old at that time. I did not remember well.
I just get to the point....We had sex with each other...
Again, I did not know how it happened too. I did not remember the first time i had it with him. It was so vague and cloudy. I really want to search for the truth too...but it is a mission impossible..unless I can travel through time.
May be its curiosity after all....Just like the teddy bear incident I've mentioned in my previous blog, I was at the bottom; he was on top of me. We got hard and just caressing our dicks. We felt good. We caressed to the point when we reached our orgasm point. You might think...a kid who has no knowledge of any sexual activities knows how to orgasm? You are right. I did not know what is an orgasm at that point of my life. I just felt good at that 'point'. Nothing came out of course, I have not reach puberty stage yet. ^.^
With the discovery that we felt so good by caressing our dicks, we did more when we had the chance back then. We both knew it was something wrong, was something that could not be discovered by anybody. We only had our sessions when we are alone. We just lie on top of each other and caressed our dicks together. We did not know about blow jobs and stuffs. As time went by, we got used to it. However, we just do 'IT' occasionally, not frequently. Lolz.
After a period of time, my "Best Friend" told me he watched the porn that his parents had. He wanna show me something too...Guess what..the next thing he did was sucking my cock. I can't really recped Iall how the feelings were. But yea....I reciprocated to him too, because he wanted to know how it feels too. I can't describe in details, I bet you all wanna know. Lolz. But sorry guys, I really can't fully recall that incident.
Another thing he told me about the porn he secretly watched was that, a guy put his dick into the girl's ass. I was shocked and puzzled at that time. I did not believe a single thing he said. "You must have seen it wrongly...Its impossible."I said. As a kid, i only know that the function of our ass and asshole is to ****~...LOlz...Its getting really dirty eh... Of course, he thought he saw it wrongly too or it was something that is beyond his current logic. We did not try out, of course in the end. If not..it'll be really crazy....
I'm not sure whether you guys will be disgusted after reading this post, or felt relieved that you are not the only one. I really think this naughty childhood behaviour of mine is really inappropriate. However, due to my innocence and may be a little horniness, these incidents happened to me.....
More to come....~
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Since the day i was born...
Tuesday, Cold, Dull weather....
I woke up...and still see your shadows......
My birth in this world should means something right?...But, I still haven't found my meaning to life. I was born to a normal family with a dad and a mum who loves me a lot. Due to my birth, my mum almost passed away. Thank God it did not happen. My mum lost her ability to reproduce any baby after my birth, which is one of her regrets. Although she got over with this fact, however, it still torments her sometimes.
With that fact, I am the only child in the family. Dad and mum loves me. They showered me with their love, fed me healthily, played with me all the time. Those were really happy memories of my childhood. My family were not rich during the eighties. They were just normal employees which they earned sufficient money for daily expenses and little surplus will go to the savings. Even so, I reminisced that particular period of time i had with my family, though I was quite young( 4-5 yrs). It was a time where I felt warmth and happiness. How lucky i was to be gifted to this family of mine.
I have this vague memories which i could not decipher even myself...it was so blur yet so clear. Something that i knew had happened but i try not to recall it.
~~~.~~~
I was a 4-5 years old child. I had a white cuddly teddy bear with me. It was right beside my cartooned bed. I got hold of it, I hugged and smelled it. Suddenly for the next moment, it lied on my bed...I was on top of it. Filled with curiosity, i humped the white teddy bear in a missionary position. I did not remember the feelings or anything. During that time, I swear I have no idea what I was doing, nor where I learned that from. That is a question I really want to know. Unfortunately, I was caught in the act when I was humping the teddy bear. Oops! Mum caught me. I stopped and pretended as if nothing has happened. Deep inside my heart, I just know, it was an inappropriate behavior. I had no idea it was sex.
Mum asked what am I doing with a peck of suspicion hiding inside her tone. I knew she saw it. Mum told me to tell her what I was doing that time. I just replied her:"Nothing at all..I was just playing around.." Mum left me without questioning me anymore.
I really do not know, how that came upon me. A 4 years old boy humping a teddy bear..how hilarious.. Anyway after I tried to recollect my memories, I think I had figured out how I knew 'it'. I was still around the same age, I accidentally saw porn movies when my uncles were watching it. After a while of peeking, I knew it was something that a child should not be exposed to. Furthermore, I think i overheard my parents when they were having their sweet session as I shared the same room with them at that time.
In conclusion, I think that is the starting of how i slowly evolved into a homosexual. That is what I heard from churches. "If a young ones is exposed to pornography at an early age, high chances of him/her turning a homosexual..."
Stay tuned.......
I woke up...and still see your shadows......
My birth in this world should means something right?...But, I still haven't found my meaning to life. I was born to a normal family with a dad and a mum who loves me a lot. Due to my birth, my mum almost passed away. Thank God it did not happen. My mum lost her ability to reproduce any baby after my birth, which is one of her regrets. Although she got over with this fact, however, it still torments her sometimes.
With that fact, I am the only child in the family. Dad and mum loves me. They showered me with their love, fed me healthily, played with me all the time. Those were really happy memories of my childhood. My family were not rich during the eighties. They were just normal employees which they earned sufficient money for daily expenses and little surplus will go to the savings. Even so, I reminisced that particular period of time i had with my family, though I was quite young( 4-5 yrs). It was a time where I felt warmth and happiness. How lucky i was to be gifted to this family of mine.
I have this vague memories which i could not decipher even myself...it was so blur yet so clear. Something that i knew had happened but i try not to recall it.
~~~.~~~
I was a 4-5 years old child. I had a white cuddly teddy bear with me. It was right beside my cartooned bed. I got hold of it, I hugged and smelled it. Suddenly for the next moment, it lied on my bed...I was on top of it. Filled with curiosity, i humped the white teddy bear in a missionary position. I did not remember the feelings or anything. During that time, I swear I have no idea what I was doing, nor where I learned that from. That is a question I really want to know. Unfortunately, I was caught in the act when I was humping the teddy bear. Oops! Mum caught me. I stopped and pretended as if nothing has happened. Deep inside my heart, I just know, it was an inappropriate behavior. I had no idea it was sex.
Mum asked what am I doing with a peck of suspicion hiding inside her tone. I knew she saw it. Mum told me to tell her what I was doing that time. I just replied her:"Nothing at all..I was just playing around.." Mum left me without questioning me anymore.
I really do not know, how that came upon me. A 4 years old boy humping a teddy bear..how hilarious.. Anyway after I tried to recollect my memories, I think I had figured out how I knew 'it'. I was still around the same age, I accidentally saw porn movies when my uncles were watching it. After a while of peeking, I knew it was something that a child should not be exposed to. Furthermore, I think i overheard my parents when they were having their sweet session as I shared the same room with them at that time.
In conclusion, I think that is the starting of how i slowly evolved into a homosexual. That is what I heard from churches. "If a young ones is exposed to pornography at an early age, high chances of him/her turning a homosexual..."
Stay tuned.......
Monday, January 5, 2009
In General....
Hello Everybody,
Well I've started this blog as someone ( Willy ) inspired me to do so and as well as some other bloggers too. I used to be quite lazy to write any blog in the past, however, by reading blogs of other people, it seemed to be a way of releasing stress and loneliness. Therefore, I'm now starting to write about the deepest and darkest secrets of my life. That is why, my blog is " Hidden, Dark and untold.....". I will be completely anonymous in this blog, as I am really afraid, scared to disclose even the slightest details that will allow any of my friends, peers, family to know its 'ME' if they just happened to come across this blog of mine. (However, I will only disclose my identity to those that are worthy enough. Lolz.)
People out there may scream to me, just be true to yourself, why hide....But, I'm just not ready yet. As much as I want to, but ...I'm really confused, doubtful, timid.
I hoped to converse with the people out there, either out of the closet or facing the same situation as me. I don't want to be alone anymore....
I will start to tell my stories part by part chronologically.....
Stay tuned....:D
Well I've started this blog as someone ( Willy ) inspired me to do so and as well as some other bloggers too. I used to be quite lazy to write any blog in the past, however, by reading blogs of other people, it seemed to be a way of releasing stress and loneliness. Therefore, I'm now starting to write about the deepest and darkest secrets of my life. That is why, my blog is " Hidden, Dark and untold.....". I will be completely anonymous in this blog, as I am really afraid, scared to disclose even the slightest details that will allow any of my friends, peers, family to know its 'ME' if they just happened to come across this blog of mine. (However, I will only disclose my identity to those that are worthy enough. Lolz.)
People out there may scream to me, just be true to yourself, why hide....But, I'm just not ready yet. As much as I want to, but ...I'm really confused, doubtful, timid.
I hoped to converse with the people out there, either out of the closet or facing the same situation as me. I don't want to be alone anymore....
I will start to tell my stories part by part chronologically.....
Stay tuned....:D
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)