Since the day i was born...

Tuesday, Cold, Dull weather....


I woke up...and still see your shadows......

My birth in this world should means something right?...But, I still haven't found my meaning to life. I was born to a normal family with a dad and a mum who loves me a lot. Due to my birth, my mum almost passed away. Thank God it did not happen. My mum lost her ability to reproduce any baby after my birth, which is one of her regrets. Although she got over with this fact, however, it still torments her sometimes.

With that fact, I am the only child in the family. Dad and mum loves me. They showered me with their love, fed me healthily, played with me all the time. Those were really happy memories of my childhood. My family were not rich during the eighties. They were just normal employees which they earned sufficient money for daily expenses and little surplus will go to the savings. Even so, I reminisced that particular period of time i had with my family, though I was quite young( 4-5 yrs). It was a time where I felt warmth and happiness. How lucky i was to be gifted to this family of mine.

I have this vague memories which i could not decipher even myself...it was so blur yet so clear. Something that i knew had happened but i try not to recall it.

~~~.~~~

I was a 4-5 years old child. I had a white cuddly teddy bear with me. It was right beside my cartooned bed. I got hold of it, I hugged and smelled it. Suddenly for the next moment, it lied on my bed...I was on top of it. Filled with curiosity, i humped the white teddy bear in a missionary position. I did not remember the feelings or anything. During that time, I swear I have no idea what I was doing, nor where I learned that from. That is a question I really want to know. Unfortunately, I was caught in the act when I was humping the teddy bear. Oops! Mum caught me. I stopped and pretended as if nothing has happened. Deep inside my heart, I just know, it was an inappropriate behavior. I had no idea it was sex.

Mum asked what am I doing with a peck of suspicion hiding inside her tone. I knew she saw it. Mum told me to tell her what I was doing that time. I just replied her:"Nothing at all..I was just playing around.." Mum left me without questioning me anymore.

I really do not know, how that came upon me. A 4 years old boy humping a teddy bear..how hilarious.. Anyway after I tried to recollect my memories, I think I had figured out how I knew 'it'. I was still around the same age, I accidentally saw porn movies when my uncles were watching it. After a while of peeking, I knew it was something that a child should not be exposed to. Furthermore, I think i overheard my parents when they were having their sweet session as I shared the same room with them at that time.

In conclusion, I think that is the starting of how i slowly evolved into a homosexual. That is what I heard from churches. "If a young ones is exposed to pornography at an early age, high chances of him/her turning a homosexual..."

Stay tuned.......